I'll tell you, nothing is worse than buying the wrong economy-size package of Q-Tips. You think you're buying the brand you always use, and then you get home and find out that they're of inferior quality. Halfway through using one, the cotton comes unwound and you're jabbing your ear with the hard part. Or they feel too flimsy in your hand. Or they're plastic and you feel like you're trashing the environment. Regardless of why they're bad, now you have 300 of them and you're stuck with them for like a year and a half. I made that mistake back in 2002. That was a bad year. As was the beginning of 2003. Tough times. I barely made it through.
Tissues and Gravity
Ever use a tissue and then drop it directly over the garbage can, only to have it drift to the side and totally miss? It always happens. In fact, it's a certainty of nature, like cats landing on their feet, or toast landing buttered side down. And it never just floats to the front of the can, oh no. It drifts between the can and the wall, or behind (or even worse, in) the toilet. Why can't tissues just fall straight down? I played basketball for many years. It's not like I have terrible aim - they just never fall straight. Maybe it only happens to me, I don't know.
Unraveling Toilet Paper Rolls
Speaking of tissue, you ever try to yank a sheet or two off the toilet paper roll and end up unraveling the whole damn thing? Man, that irks me. Sometimes you only have one hand available and that's the only way you can get your square. It's not bathroom specific, either. Happens to me in the kitchen with paper towel rolls, too. Then you end up having to free up your occupied hand and spend 5 minutes re-rolling the toilet paper. It always ends up looking ridiculous. Then your wife walks in the bathroom and immediately notices. "What on earth did you do in here?" I always tell her what I did that required the toilet paper in the first place. That always makes me feel better.
A Personal Matter
Do your eyes tear when you go "number two"? Is it just me? Sometimes my eyes just well up. It's not like that scene in American Beauty with the plastic bag that's the most beautiful thing in the world or anything - it just happens. My nose tends to drip, too. Then I need use a tissue, but the tissue box is directly behind me, and there's no way I'm reaching that while sitting on the can. So, instead I end up taking a square of toilet paper to blow my nose and then have to debate whether it's healthier for the planet to put it in the trash can (which I don't miss from that range) or the toilet. Tough decision there. Am I the only one who thinks about this stuff?
The Toothpaste Tube
Do you and your spouse battle over who is the last to use a tube of toothpaste? We do. I'll brush with just the remaining microscopic dab of Colgate I can get out of that tube, just so she'll say "uncle" and open a new toothpaste. Of course, she somehow always manages to get a little more out of there. I never win this game. Something about her roll-and-squeeze technique is better than mine. Do other people just chuck the tube when it gets troublesome, or is the rest of the world as stingy and competitive as we are?
